I Need a Drink

I just don't know if I have the strength to write about today's As the World Turns. It was hard enough to watch it, let alone to relive it all now. I think this has more to do with my own mood, though, than with the show itself, which wasn't any worse (or, it goes without saying, better) today than it was the last time I wrote about it.

I've just grown weary of it all. I feel like shouting at the television Gods "My Kingdom for a decent story for the gay characters!", only that would make me crazy, and not just because I don't have a kingdom. Maybe I should just start drinking heavily an hour before I watch each episode. That might help.

As I said the other day, if I could enjoy all of this on a campy level, I'd probably be a much happier person.

So, today, Luke & Noah were still tied up to that pole in the storage unit/warehouse (Zoe referred to it as the latter today, after calling it a storage unit in her text to Luke on Monday, so who knows? They're probably in a shed in Margo's back yard and the Oakdale PD would be none the wiser). Zoe was setting up a shrine to her late mother right in front of them, wishing the dead woman a happy birthday. She filled Luke and Noah in on the facts: her dead mother was the daughter of an illegitimate son of the Grimaldi family. She'd spent her life trying to get the piece of the fortune that was rightfully hers and the Grimaldis had eventually killed her because of it.

Damian, meanwhile, had found a newspaper clipping on the same woman's death in his late cousin Eduardo's scrapbook, which his widow Lisa had just turned over. The woman was wearing a Pisces star sign necklace, so Damian knew the kidnappings had to be tied to her somehow.

Lily went behind Holden's back to work with Damian on this brilliant plan he'd had. After receiving the note on where to drop the ransom money, Lily didn't tell the police or Holden, but instead went to Damian. His brilliant plan? Lily should drop off a fake ransom, then sneak off and put on a cloak and Pisces necklace like the dead woman in the newspaper photo. The kidnappers would follow her, since they'd obviously think she was the ghost of this woman, and Damian would jump them.

I don't even know how to make fun of that plan, it's so pathetically stupid. I know we frequently have to suspend our disbelief when it comes to soap opera plots, but the writers of this show seem to expect us to permanently annihilate our disbelief. Either that, or they think they're writing to entertain the stupidest people on the planet.

Luke & Noah were sympathizing with Zoe for her loss and Luke was assuring her that he'd gladly give her all the Grimaldi money he had if she'd just let them go. Zac returned from dropping off the note for Lily and showed Zoe the 'extra insurance' he'd picked up to make sure that things went well: a gun. Are we supposed to forget that Zoe already had a gun the other day when she tied Luke up? I guess we are, since the writers clearly have.

Zac & Zoe left to pick up the ransom and Luke tried to be optimistic about how things would turn out. Noah, though, pointed out that they could identify Zac & Zoe. Did Luke really think they'd just let them go? The boys knocked over Zoe's shrine and started using the broken glass from Zoe's picture of her mother to try and cut their ropes. The dialogue made me cringe even more than usual, as Luke joked that this would all be fun if they weren't fighting for their lives. Um, okay.

Lily, meanwhile, was carrying out her part of the plan, which soon had Zoe running after her, calling out for her mom. Damian was detained by a punch from Holden, though, and wasn't there to back Lily up. When Zoe saw that the woman in the cloak was Lily, she pushed her down and ran off. Lily, lightly pushed onto a grassy patch of ground, was somehow rendered unconscious. Holden & Damian soon found her and the guys got into a pissing contest about which of them had put Lily in more danger, blah blah blah.

Zac & Zoe hightailed it back to the warehouse, arriving just as Luke & Noah had freed themselves. Zac, who was clearly starting to unravel by this point, shot Noah in the arm to stop them from leaving, or maybe just for the hell of it. Who knows? Don't worry, though, he assured Noah that it was 'nothing personal, Monster' after firing the shot. Thank God he clarified, because I'm sure Noah was feeling pretty offended!

Noah, after a bit of manly screaming, passed out from the pain and the twins tied him and Luke back up, with Luke begging them to get Noah medical attention before he bled to death.

Good times!