Gay Twin? Not So Much

All right, here's what happened today on that show I hate. Luke was moping around his parents' house, trying to figure out why Noah would just take off for Lisbon without saying anything, abandoning his classes and work, and why he wasn't answering any of Luke's calls.

Lily tried to be supportive and assured Luke that when Noah came back, they'd work things out. When Luke reveled that he was thinking of going to Lisbon to talk to Noah in person, Lily confessed that Damian had already gone to fetch him. Luke was less than pleased with Damian's interference and with his mother for believing in her ex yet again.

Meanwhile, poor Noah was still tied to that pole, watching Zac doing bicep curls with some dumbbells. Well, at least there was something entertaining to watch! Personally, I'd have preferred to see Zac doing some shirtless crunches, but I digress.

Zoe showed up to update Zac on how their plan was going and they decided to send Luke a text from Noah's phone to ease any suspicions Luke might be having. Zoe took off to make sure that Luke bought the ruse, leaving Noah and Zac alone again.

Noah asked Zac to loosen the ropes a bit so he could get some feeling back in his hands. Zac, of course, practically purred "I know a few things your hands could be feeling, but you keep saying no. Ready to reconsider?" Noah sidestepped the innuendo by offering to talk to the cops to make sure that they go easy on Zac if he'd just let him go. Zac wondered why he should trust Noah, and wasn't satisfied with Noah's explanation that he doesn't lie.

Zac: I think I need to be convinced.

Noah: How can I do that?

Zac: Make love to me.

Oh, boy. I don't think we've ever even heard Luke & Noah say that to each other, so it's slightly irritating that they have Zac say it to Noah, especially since it doesn't fit the context of the situation or of Zac's personality, to use that particular expression. I know they can't just come out and have him say "Fuck me!" on daytime TV, but they could have found a less romantic way of expressing it, I'd think.

Zac: I know that you and Luke are like an old married couple, but it's cool. You know, whatever gets you stoked. But your wife's not here, dude. He won't know. I'm like your get out of jail free card. Okay, not exactly free, but you know.

Noah: Yeah, I know, and I'm still not interested.

Zac: I thought we had real chemistry.

Noah: You were wrong.

After catching sight of the dumbbell that Zac has set down, though, Noah's eyes lit up with a plan. While Zac babbled on about not wanting to take the fall for Zoe's scheme, Noah seemed much more receptive to his offer.

Zac: So, monster, we have a deal?

Noah: Okay.

Zac (untying Noah's hands): I mean, you don't know, it's not gonna be like a death sentence. You'll probably have more fun than you've had in a very long time. Now, I undid you, you undo me. (Noah starts unbuttoning Zac's shirt, moving them backwards towards the dumbbells)

Zac, of course, knew exactly what Noah was up to and slammed him against the wall, threatening to smash the dumbbell into his skull. After tying Noah back up, Zac told him to get his gaydar checked.

Oh, great. I was bitter enough about the Z twins turning out to be evil, but today they just had to go a step further. Not only is Zac evil, he's not even gay! Fantastic. So I guess the whole little scene he's just played out with Noah was a sadistic game of cat & mouse?

Seriously, thanks for nothing As the World Turns. I made no secret of the fact that I thought Zac had a lot of potential as a character and that I was excited about the idea of daytime's first all male love triangle. This twist just makes me even more mad at myself for ever hoping for a decent story from this show. It also makes me wish they would hire awful actors, rather than ones as good as Nicholas Galbraith, so that when the characters they play are so quickly written into a corner I wouldn't mourn the wasted possibilities as much!

Anyway, while Noah was attempting to play on Zac's non-existent attraction to him, Zoe was at Java with Luke, who felt that there was something a bit off about Noah's text. It just didn't sound like him, to say "I love you", Luke explained. Noah is usually more indirect. Zoe tried to cover, saying that Noah probably was just realizing how much he missed Luke. When Luke let slip that Damian had gone to Lisbon to talk to Noah, Zoe practically ran for the door. Subtle, Z!

Back at the warehouse, Zoe told Zac about Damian's trip to Lisbon and that they couldn't wait any longer, the note had to be delivered.

At the Snyder place, Damian had arrived, interrupting Holden & Lily's 92nd argument this week about Grimaldi himself. Damian told them that he'd just come from Lisbon, where none of Noah's fellow film students had seen him on the trip. What's more, Damian had checked with a Government connection and found out that Noah had never even entered Portugal.

Holden, of course, thought that Damian was lying and pointed out that they only had his word that he'd even gone to Lisbon in the first place. Luke returned in the middle of all of this and was clearly torn between wanting to side with Holden and his sense that something just wasn't right with the whole Noah in Lisbon scenario.

After Damian left, Lily found the note that Zoe had just dropped off at their house, addressed to Luke. Not surprisingly, it was a ransom note, instructing Luke to hand over all the foundation's funds if he wanted to see Noah again.

Holden immediately stormed off to confront Damian, convinced that he was behind the kidnapping. Luke, meanwhile, made it clear to his parents that he wouldn't hesitate to give the foundation money to the kidnappers to save Noah.

Back at the warehouse, Zoe & Zac decided to celebrate their impending victory by making out with each other. The look on Jake Silbermann's face as Noah watched these supposed siblings start to suck face was priceless and no doubt mirrored the look on my own and many other people's faces.

Zoe congratulated Zac on their plan, saying it wouldn't have worked if he wasn't so good at 'playing the boy toy'. He assured her that he just pretended Noah was her. Well, I guess that explains the creepy incestuous vibe.

Noah asked them why, if this was all just about money, they'd gone to the trouble of running Luke down, stabbing Damian, and pretending to be attracted to him & Luke. Gee, I thought those were just going to be plot holes!

The I-guess-they're-not Z Twins just laughed and told him he had to think some of this out for himself and then decided to put on a show for their captive audience as they started going at it. God, poor Noah! Talk about cruel & unusual punishment.

Here's the thing: I love the soap opera genre. I've been clear about that. Ever since I was a small child, I've loved soaps. I want them to be well written and engaging. I don't want to have to enjoy them on a campy, so-bad-they're-hilarious level. That's the reason I always hated Passions. Many people were able to love that show as a pure camp fest filled with hot, constantly shirtless men, but I just saw terrible writing making a mess of a genre I love.

I think if I could just let go and love soaps based on the camp factor alone, I'd probably be enjoying the Z Twin fiasco on As the World Turns a hell of a lot more than I am. There is no doubt, after today's show, that it fits the requirements for camp pretty perfectly. It's just not what I want from soaps.